Cinderharry
by InvaderPixy
Summary: This is just about the best story I've ever written . . . or at least the best comedy. It's PG-13 for language.


Cinderharry  
  
  
  
Okay this is gonna b a funny fairytale-mix type HP fic. tell me wut u all think.  
  
  
  
Once upon a time . . .  
  
  
Petunia: CINDERHARRY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!  
Harry: I'm scrubbing the floor, like you asked me to.  
Petunia: I TOLD YOU TO COOK DINNER FIRST!  
Harry: It's two o'clock. You just had lunch.  
Petunia: *looking embarassed* Uh . . . ya . . . still . . . GO MAKE US DINNER!  
Harry: Fine. *gets up and goes to the kitchen. starts making dinner*  
Dudly: *walks in wearing a frilly dress* Cinderharry, what are you doing?!  
Harry: Making dinner, what's it to you?  
Dudly: Well . . . DAMN IT DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?!  
Director: YES YOU DO!  
Dudly: BUT I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT IN THIS DRESS! AND MY CORSET IS UNCOMFORTABLE! I CAN'T BREATHE!  
Director: That's the point. Now, take it from your enterence, Dudly.  
Dudly: *storms off stage. walks in again wearing the same frilly dress* Cinderharry what are you doing?!  
Harry: Making dinner, what's it to you, Dudlena?  
Dudly: Well you're doing it wrong!  
Harry: I know how to make your God damned dinner.  
Dudly: *starts screaming like a girl*  
Vernon: *rushes in* What's wrong, lovely daughter of mine?  
Dudly: Cinderharry uttered a profanity, Daddy.  
Vernon: *smacks Harry* Cinderharry, make hot dogs, not this, this, disgusting dish you're making right now.  
Harry: Lobster?  
Vernon: Whatever it is it's not good enough for us.  
Harry: Uh...huh...  
  
  
~*In Petunia and Vernons Room*~  
  
  
Petunia: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest one of all?  
Mirror: How should I know? All I know it's not you, God, you look like a horse.  
Petunia: *picks up a hammer. through gritted teeth* Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest one of all *raises hammer*  
Mirror: ...  
Petunia: JUST GIVE ME GOD DAMNED ANSWER!  
Mirror: You're the second fairest. Cinderharry is better then you, though.  
Petunia: WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SCRIPT? HARRY'S A FREAKING BOY LAST TIME I CHECKED!  
Dirtector: I did. And would you like to me recast?  
Petunia: YES!  
Director: Well, I'm not. Thank God for contracts. Continue Petunia.  
Petunia: DAMN IT ALL!!!!!! *regains cool. to mirror* Fine then. I'll kill Cinderharry. And if I don't, you're getting the hammer.  
Mirror: I love you, too.  
Petunia: *moons the mirror*  
Mirror: Oh, God, nobody needs to see that!  
Petunia: *leaves the room*  
Mirror: Oh good lord, I need to be washed...cleansed...*shudders...don't ask me how mirrors shudder they just do!*  
  
  
~*In Town*~  
  
  
Petunia: I NEED AN ASSASSIN!  
People: *look at her strangly*  
Petunia: DAMN IT! SOMEONE NEEDS TO KILL CINDERHARRY FOR ME!  
Police: *stop their car near her* Alright, get in.  
Director: *runs to the car* She's in a movie . . . damn you, Petunia, the set's over there!  
Petunia: MAKE YOUSELF CLEARER THEN!  
Director: Sorry about that. *grabs Petunia and Disaperates on set* Okay, take it from the top of scene three.  
Petunia: Okay. I NEED AN ASSASSIN!  
Malfoy: *whispering* ya I'm an assassin. What do you need me to do?  
Petunia: Kill Cinderharry. Here's his pic. *shows Malfoy his pic*  
Malfoy: Gladly. *walks off*  
  
  
~*Outside the Castle*~  
  
  
Harry: *trimming the shrubs* Stupid idiots, I can't believe them.  
Malfoy: *comes up behind Harry with a gun* Hey, are you Cinderharry?  
Harry: Uh . . . *eyes the gun* no. He's over there, hiding. *points to a bush*  
Malfoy: Okay, sorry. *moves bush aside. Sees Dudly there* DAMN IT THAT'S NOT CINDERHARRY! YOU MUST BE HIM!  
Dudly: *runs*  
Harry: Fine. Go ahead and shoot me.  
Malfoy: *is about 2 shoot him . . . then stops* I cannot. Your beauty . . . WHAT THE SHIT?! HIS BEAUTY? MUST I SAY THIS?! I LOOK FRUITY!  
Director: That's the point. Continue.  
Malfoy: *scowling* Your beauty is too great. Please, let me marry you and take you to my castle.  
Harry: *looks at Malfoy w/ disgust* No. Get the hell away from me.  
Malfoy: Fine. I'll kill someother helpless thing and give it's body to your aunt.  
Harry: You do that.  
Malfoy: *goes off*  
Harry: Dang! She wants me dead? And why is that?  
  
  
~*In Dudly's Room*~  
  
  
Dudly: *reading mail* DMAN IT DO I HAVE TO?!  
Director: Do you want a pigs tail?  
Dudly: *looking nervous* No.  
Director: Then act.  
Dudly: okay then...*reads mail. sighs*  
Petunia: *walks in* How are you doing, Dudlena? Is that letter from Prince Binns?  
Dudly: Of course it is. He asked me to stay with him and his family tonight. I think he's going to ask me to marry him!  
Petunia: Oh my goodness of course you must go! Pack quickly!  
Dudly: *starts to pack*  
  
  
~*In Snape's House, A Hundred Years Ago*~  
  
  
Snape: *spinning wool. pricks himself* DAMN IT! WHAT THE F-*drops down cold*  
  
  
~*A Few Hours Later at Binns'*~  
  
  
Dudly: *rings dorebell*  
Binns: *answers door* Hello, Dudlena. Come in. *shows Dudly to his room* You will sleep here.  
Dudly: Uh . . . LINE?!  
Director: ITS THNK YOU! GOD! ARE YOU SLOW OR SOMETHING! Wait I take that back I've known you're slow.  
Dudly: *looks lost, decided to continue rather then question* Thank you. I'm sure I'll be comfortable.  
Binns: Now, they don't make matresses like these anymore. *starts a speech on matress quality*  
Dudly: *gets hungry*  
  
  
~*One Hour Later*~  
  
  
Binns: And now for why you never go on looks alone. Some matresses look good but are very uncomfortable and . . . what are you eating?  
Dudly: A pea.  
Binns: Where'd you get that?  
Dudly: Under all those matresses . . .  
Binns: *gives his a glare. takes a pea out of his pocket and slips it under the bottom matress*  
  
  
~*The Next Day, In The Castle Garden*~  
  
  
Petunia: *taps Harry on the shoulder*  
Harry: What?  
Petunia: You are more beautful then me. That means you must die. *takes out a knife*  
Harry: Aw, shit! *starts running*  
  
  
~*At Binns House*~  
  
  
Binns: *opens Dudly's door* And how did you sleep, m'dear?  
Dudly: Well, not very well. There was this lump. Then I found out it was a pea. I was kinda hungrey, so I ate it. Then I went to sleep.  
Binns: YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR!  
Dudly: I...I was hungry...  
Binns: YOU JUST WASDTED MY SPECIAL SALE ITEM, DUMBASS!! GET OUT! OUT!  
Dudly: *runs out the door*  
  
  
~*At Snapes House*~  
  
  
Snape: *sleeping*  
McGonagal: (FYI, shes a prince not gay lol) *walks inside. sees Snape* Oh what a beautiful princess. But why is she out cold? It's too bad, I could use a wife. Now . . . uh . . . must I kiss him?  
Directer: YES!!!  
McGonagal: DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!! *takes a deep breath. kisses Snape*  
Snape: BLEUGH!!!!!  
McGonagal: I NEED MOUTHWASH!!!!  
Snape: UGH!!!!  
McGonagal: *looking digusted* well he's awake.  
Director: SHE!!  
McGonagal: Okay then, at least SHE'S awake. There, happy?  
Director: Yes.  
McGonagal: OKAY! I QUIT!  
Director: Again, I thank God for contracts.  
McGonagal: DAMN IT!  
  
  
~*In The Street*~  
  
  
Harry: *running reall really fast*  
Petunia: *gaining on him. throws knife. it misses* DAMN IT ALL! CINDERHARRY USE YOUR MAGIC! GUIDE THE KNIFE TO YOUR BACK!  
Harry: No thanks. *keeps running*  
Petunia: I hate you, you know that?  
Harry: Ya, thanks a lot.  
Petunia: *gets a cramp* UGH! OUCH! PAINFUL! *stops running* CINDERHARRY, I'M SORRY! COME BACK!  
Harry: *stops* You really think I'm that stupid.  
Petunia: You can't blame me for trying. Well then, see ya later.  
Harry: 'Bye Aunt Petunia. *runs into the sumset*  
Director: CUT! AND THAT'S A RAP ALL! GOOD JOB FOR THE DAY! Let's all go home for some rest and relaxation.  
Everyone: *packs up all the props talking excitedly about the day*  
  
  
~*Hours Later In China*~  
  
  
Dudly: *out of breath. sits down. inbetween breaths* I . . . made . . . it . . . I'm . . . safe . . . now . . . hungry . . . though . . . where . . . am . . . I? *looks around* AH DAMN IT ALL!  
  
  
  
And they all lived happily ever after . . .  
  
  
  
Cinderharry is currently married to Malfoy the Assassin.  
Petunia is living in the palace still with Vernon. They need to do all their own housework now.  
Binns found a real princess. She appeared wearing rags, yet she could tell there was a pea. That may have been the result of her bloodhound father's nose.  
McGonagal and Snape now currently live in the house Snape slept in for a hundred years.  
Dudlena married an old Chineese woman who shortly died and left him all her riches. He currently has five cents.  
  
  



End file.
